Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
