Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
