I haven't been this sober since birth.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
