someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
