I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
