I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
