mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize