When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
