I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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