just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
