Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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