she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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