Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
