I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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