OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
