ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
