1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
