whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
