a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Floor bacon is actually really good
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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