i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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