it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
