dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
