Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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