I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
