I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
