I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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