Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
