Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
