It's Friday. Sex?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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