Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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