if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
