so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think my fart just growled at me.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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