we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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