So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
