Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
