Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's never too late to be topless.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
