i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
