A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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