Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
