I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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