we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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