I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
