Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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