i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
