Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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