It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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