This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
