I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
