I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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