Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
There are leaves in my underwear?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
