I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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