i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
