Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
