she woke up with a sticky ear
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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