I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
