Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
if only i could text you this smell
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
