so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
