My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Randomize
