Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
