the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize