Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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