Got a toothbrush?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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