Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
