when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
