There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Terrible idea I love it
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
